Jan 5, 2011

Deepest Desire as Destiny?

Posted by in category: philosophy

I want self knowledge. It’s part of what I do in life. For me it isn’t work, it’s love, but by the same token, it isn’t for everybody, nor should it be. There’s no money in it, not everyone feels passionate about it, not everyone has the aptitude, many are turned off by introspection, considering it a waste of time and many don’t believe in ‘that sort of thing.’ Well, I enjoy educating myself, and I get part of my ongoing education and a sense of satisfaction from ‘that sort of thing’ that also harmonizes with my supporting the work of the Lifeboat Foundation.

At the same time I’m aware of a certain ‘unconscious’ role that I forged in my early life crucible so as to get me what I wanted at a time when my thinking and my ‘worldview’ were primitive to say the least. What might anyone ‘want’ in such a situation? Imagine. Using whatever genetic and epigenetic equipment entered this life with me I interacted in complexity with the other participants in the crucible, emerging as … what? Here lie the origins of liberated or not,according to psychological dynamic thinking.

Notice how hard it is to get rid of that ‘I.’ I wish I knew more about my ‘I.’

Well, enough of that, so for now, in one way or another I resolved my early life core dilemma in a way that left a pattern. A role in a drama learned early on in life endures. It endures, firstly because certain psycho-biological infrastructure is embedded in various functions of ‘me’ and secondly because my drama serves a purpose for me. If I didn’t use it, it would fade away in disuse. I value it. Simplistically said, if I ‘succeed’ it’s because I’m superior, if I ‘fail’ it’s because I’m misunderstood. A hero in a world of fools. My drama is my treasure, I’ll resist if someone tries to persuade or coerce me to let go of my treasure, and if I imagine it’s the only tool I have, I can’t imagine life without it. Who said that life was rational?

Then suddenly one day I’m an adult-nothing to do with chronological age-and, yes, it can happen suddenly, and I see my treasure as a load on my back, a burden, a fantasy born in fantasy. So why not dump it? But what about…? What if … ? It’s still hard to imagine life without it. Well, maybe I can bargain. Maybe I’ll undertake a program of ‘reeducation’ or therapy in which I’ll hear what I want to hear, then I can have my cake and eat it.

And I’ll continue blaming others or circumstances for what I don’t like about life. Right back in crucible mode.

Hunched long term in my crucible while knowing better, I’ll not only dislike myself but I’ll also feel guilty, and feeling guilty I’ll escalate until eventually I’ll hate myself. And you know what? Out of self hate come the ‘isms.’ What is racism but self loathing projected!

Why is all this important? Why should anyone care? To some it may sound like a lot of navel gazing anyway. Well, folks, listen to this: What if secret desires conflict significantly with a socially adopted role? There lie the ingredients of a psychological ‘double life.’ And you know what, it manifests. I might just sabotage my own efforts to get what I want in my life drama. Or what if I find myself in an impossible situation that I hate and I want out? I can always create a scene. And what about espionage, industrial spying, political spying? How about hacking? How about the destructive use of technology yet to be developed? Well, is the life drama important, or isn’t it?

There’s more: It’s just possible that wars in the air, on land and on sea originate in battles originating in early life crucibles. The war within becoming the war without.

Without fear there can be no courage, to paraphrase Eddie Rickenbacker, the great American flying hero, a man who happened to know something about fear and also about courage.

To be sure, in the never-ending search for truth there is and there probably cannot be any rigid ritualized method. We don’t have a unified theory of the human condition, and bottom line when I examine mind with mind, I find plenty of mystery to tickle my sense of wonderment.

Not to forget the ‘I.’ I wonder where the ‘I’ comes from. What can it be?

In conclusion, the only advice I can give is to myself, the only life role I can identify is my own, and only I can come to grips with the egocentricity that is my own life drama …

It’s a beginning.


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  1. Jared Daniel says:

    Interesting. Have you read “Beyond Dilemma: A Memoir”?

  2. Eric Klien says:

    I looked up Beyond Dilemma: A Memoir. And Donald Maclean, the author of this post, wrote it!