Forgiving someone might not erase painful memories, but it can subtly update them, making past hurts feel less upsetting. It’s less “forgive and forget,” and more “forgive and update.”

Psychologists have long known that forgiveness is crucial for healing rifts and keeping social bonds strong. Folk wisdom even advises us to “forgive and forget” after a wrong, implying that saying you forgive someone should make the bad memory vanish.

But forgiving doesn’t actually make you forget, notes Duke neuroscientist Felipe de Brigard: “When you forgive someone for a wrongdoing, you don’t forget the event. But once you forgive, the memory doesn’t hurt as much.” Indeed, past studies hinted that forgiving someone can blunt the memory of their misdeed. What hasn’t been clear is how that happens in the brain. Is the memory simply erased, or does it get rewritten?